the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
