She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
