I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
