I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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