I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
