I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
