I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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