I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
40s are totally the cure
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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