I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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