just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
