listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I'm bleeding and have questions
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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