He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Randomize
