i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
