Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
