I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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