Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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