I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
