all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
