Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
They took my balls.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
