Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
