You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
