did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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