Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
The best revenge is premature balding
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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