Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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