im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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