I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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