I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
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