Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
