We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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