Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Just pee around me
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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