Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
