how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
i believe in u and ur pee
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
