I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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