Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
