I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
