During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
