once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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