Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Your cock deserves a montage
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
