can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
