matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
