dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
