I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Randomize
