Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
We got so high we made milksteak
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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