There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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