i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
