When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
