I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
