Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
