I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
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