In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
