I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Randomize
